Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

In these chapters, Rosenberg introduces the central theme: Compassion as Natural, Conflict as Unnatural. If we express our needs clearly, it is Rosenberg’s belief that, more often than not, people will fulfill them because “it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner” (1). Although conflict and discord affect so many human relationships, compassion (which positions individuals to want to help others fulfill their needs) is characterized as a natural state; NVC is conceived of as a way to “strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions” (3). In establishing compassion as a natural attitude that people merely become disconnected from through difficulties and social conditioning, Rosenberg creates a hopeful tone that emphasizes the inherent good in people and the potential for loving and cooperative relationships. This framework also reinforces the text’s main claims: In addition to Rosenberg’s claim that NVC has practical value—it makes it more likely that one’s needs will be heard and met—he also frames NVC as the authentic practice of human compassion, which is natural and inherent in human nature.

Rosenberg posits that it is external forces—such as maladaptive societal conditioning—that “disconnect us from our compassionate nature” and lead to violent and exploitative behavior (1), which is an inherently unnatural state of relating to others. Rosenberg’s position on the socially conditioned nature of conflict is supported by Professor O. J. Harvey’s research, cited in Chapter 2, which relates that “classifying and judging people promotes violence” (18).

This violence plays out on a smaller scale in personal relationships. Through his case studies, Rosenberg presents the pivotal theme: The Importance of Empathy in order to Communicate Effectively. Rosenberg suggests that unempathetic assumptions underpin much of our reasoning about others: “[I]f my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were ‘mean’ or ‘unreasonable.’ If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, ‘You idiot!’” (16). These cases illustrate the societally-normalized practice of making evaluative and harsh judgments of others, rather than seeking to empathetically understand them. Through these examples, Rosenberg emphasizes that NVC is a way of conceiving of the world, rather than just a way of communicating, and that the language that we use to construct our world is inextricably linked to our relationships with ourselves and others.

Rosenberg relies heavily on these case studies—both empirical and hypothetical—throughout the book in order to both provide concrete context for his claims and to present evidence that his claims are efficacious. In one example, Rosenberg compares a mother calling a child lazy or messy for leaving items around the house, to the intuitively more constructive way of communicating this same issue using NVC:

‘Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common.’ She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very specific request: ‘Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?’ (6).

The mother in this example shows inherent kindness and empathy to her son by not making an evaluation of his behavior, which conveys judgment. Furthermore, she invites empathy from her son by making her own feelings and needs known in conjunction with her request; critically, she does not collate the observation of the dirty socks with an evaluation of her child, but instead expresses “what is alive” in her (3). This example illustrates concretely what it looks like to use NVC, allowing Rosenberg to move beyond abstract claims and lend his book a practical slant. Furthermore, Rosenberg uses this example and others to demonstrate the point that, when we use NVC, we are actually communicating about our needs in the most effective way.

A vitally important aspect of NVC that enables the clear expression of needs and feelings in relation to an observation is self-knowledge. The Importance of Honest and Compassionate Introspection and Self-Expression is a recurring theme through Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Rosenberg posits that “analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values” (16). Rather than making judgments, comparisons, or evaluations of others, Rosenberg urges readers to turn their attention inward to connect with their own lived experience and to find the courage to verbalize how they are feeling and what they need. By strengthening our ability to connect with what we want and need, we become better able to receive others’ expressions of their own needs: “[W]e perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others” (3). Although NVC is primarily understood as a way of communicating with others, Rosenberg emphasizes the importance of connecting first to oneself in order to engage in productive relationships with others. As a result, Rosenberg gives his book a wide scope: He suggests that NVC can be used in a wide array of contexts, in personal and professional relationships, among different political groups, and even with oneself and one’s introspective practices.